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Advice You Never Wanted from Broadway’s Villains

October 17, 2016 by Juliana Panzera
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Whether or not you think they’re evil, misunderstood, or just a victim of circumstance, you may still be able to learn a thing or two from these complex antagonists. Of course, the views and opinions expressed in the advice below are solely those of the individual expressing them, and do not reflect the opinions of all of us non-villains here at TodayTix.

Read on and heed their advice at your own risk!

1. The Phantom

Photo Credit: Matthew Murphy
Photo Credit: Matthew Murphy

Q: Dear Phantom,

First of all, I love your music! Big fan of Don Juan Triumphant. Second, I need your help. There is this girl at school that I really like. We’re in the school musical together – she is playing the lead and has a beautiful voice but I think she might like the male lead. How can I get her to notice me? Please help!

Sincerely,

Lovesick

A: Dear Lovesick,

Wonderful to hear you enjoyed my opera, it certainly was a labor of love. And now for your little problemv- understand my sincerity when I say that I have been there. Now, you could have an open conversation with her about how you feel, but that isn’t very exciting and not nearly dramatic enough to win her attention. A moonlit boat ride after rehearsal some evening or a particularly alluring lair may do the trick. Also, may I suggest candles? A lot of candles. Let her get to know the real you, take off the mask (or so to speak), and things might just go your way. I wish you luck in your endeavor. And remember, although they say love never dies some things just aren’t meant to be.

Also, I’d love to come see your show- don’t forget to leave Box 5 open for me.

Your Angel of Music,

The Phantom

2. Miss Trunchbull

Photo Credit: Joan Marcus
Photo Credit: Joan Marcus

Q: Dear Miss Trunchbull,

I’m a little nervous to ask my question, but I couldn’t think of anyone else who could help me. You see, I’m a straight A student. I get top marks in every single subject – except for PE. That’s right – Physical Education – the “easy A” of secondary school. Every day I dread when that clock strikes 11:00 a.m. and I’m expected in PE. Give me experiments, equations – , even Papier Mâché- and I can handle it without breaking a sweat, but when I step into that gymnasium I completely freeze up. I can’t run, catch, jump, or even hammer throw. What can I do to ease my nerves and conquer PE?

Sincerely,

PE-Failure

 A: Dear PE-Failure,

I understand the severity of your plight, but quite resent your asinine assumption that Physical education should be an “easy A,” as you so inaccurately put it. It sounds to me like you need to have a little more discipline and begin to regard the subject with much more respect than you are showing at present. Physical Eduction is…an art, really. As for your inquiry about throwing the hammer, you clearly aren’t ready for such refined sport. And you won’t succeed unless you are willing to put in the sweat. Come on over to Crunchem Hall Academy and I can teach you a thing or two about that. The best advice I can give you is to stay focused, listen to your instructor, and above all, follow the rules!

English Hammer Throwing Champion 1969,

Miss Agatha Trunchbull

3. Inspector Javert

Photo Credit: Matthew Murphy
Photo Credit: Matthew Murphy

Q: Dear Inspector Javert,

I need your moral guidance. I have a friend who cheated off of me on our French midterm last week. I feel bad for knowingly allowing him to cheat, but if he didn’t pass the test his parents were not going to let him come to my party this weekend. It’s over, so why do I still feel guilty about this situation?

Sincerely,

Party to Cheating

A: Dear Party to Cheating,

First of all, its never over. Not until justice is done. Second of all, your feelings of guilt are completely justifiable in this situation. You have been, by your awareness of the crime taking place, a part of it and therefore as equally guilty as he who committed it. The only possible solution to this dilemma that I can see is for you and your miscreant “friend” is for the both of you to deliver a full confession to your superiors and face the consequences. As the saying goes, “you do the crime, you serve 19 years in prison,” or something to that effect.

Sincerely,

Inspector Javert

4. Sweeney Todd

sweeneytodd
Photo Credit: Dreamworks/ Warner Bros. Entertainment

Q: Dear Mr. Todd,

I recently returned after having been abroad for a semester. When I left, my boyfriend said that he would be waiting for me when I got home. Much to my surprise, my welcome home present was the unwelcome information that my now- former boyfriend has taken up with my also now- former best friend. I know I was gone for a long time, but surely not long enough to be forgotten? So, what should I do now? Give them my blessing and accept the situation? What other choice do I have? Please help.

Sincerely,

Gone But Also Forgotten

A: Dear Gone But Also Forgotten,

Sounds like you have been usurped by an acquaintance, a terrible position to be in, I assure you. My advice is this: do not simply accept these wrongs you’ve been done. Have your revenge! How you chose to exact it is your prerogative, but I have found revenge to be a satisfactory retaliation to grave betrayal. Or try channeling your anger into your occupation, I’ve learned that can work as well. However, if this proves to difficult for you, feel free to refer your “friend” to my barbershop on Fleet Street.

Sincerely,

Sweeney Todd

 

There you have it! Straight from some of our most beloved antagonists. See some of them in action on Broadway now!